casting

casting is awful. it's awful when it doesn't work. it's a quagmire of guilt and misery and hope. the enduring feeling is that there's always something you could be doing to make it ok. But there isn't, there really isn't. not at five to one in the morning. i know i should go to bed and sort it out in the morning. i also know, on some level, that it'll all be okay in the end. and yet i can't quite bring myself to go to bed yet. just in case it all suddenly sorts itself out because i am paying attention. oh dear.